Sexuality and identity are tied together—and this can be a source of pain.
Understanding sex and sexuality is a challenge that’s complicated enough on its own. You may have thought that sexual expression would come naturally. Maybe you learned about sex through movies, tv, porn, books, or exaggerated retelling of friends’ personal experiences. Those sources tend to focus only on the ideals: passion, orgasm, synchronization, high levels of attraction, and sexual confidence. What tends to be left out is all the confusion, anxiety, identity issues, attachment styles, challenges in communicating or defining boundaries, insecurities, or the inability to articulate exactly what is causing sex-related stress… and why.
Those are all likely to be amplified if your story as it is has already felt confusing, uprooted, lacking information, traumatic, or unstable. Sexuality, identity, trauma, and self-image are all linked. More on that later.
These are rather large topics to crack into. The point is: if your sex life (or the idea of it) is causing distress, that’s actually more common than you may have thought. With the right context, you can also begin to understand why this is. For most people, a perfect sex life doesn’t just happen out of the blue without a significant amount of communication, self-reflection, inner work, and trial-and-error. If you’re not having perfect movie sex, it’s not just you.
What we often don’t talk about amongst friends is that sexuality and identity are tied together—and this can become a source of pain. And we’re not just referring to sexual orientation here. We’re talking about everything—sexual expression, gender, race, body size, role and representation in society, place in the family, etc. These facets of our identities each have an impact on our sense of self (positive or negative!) and that has an effect on ourselves as sexual beings too.
In this post, we’re discussing adoptees and how being adopted into a family eventually can impact a person’s sexual sense of self and ability to connect on a physical level.
Why adoptees can struggle when it comes to sex
We are individuals that are complex and multi-faceted. We may like to think that it’s possible to compartmentalize, however the aspects of our identities and lives impact one another. They do not exist separately. In other words: your identity, health, emotional state, past and present traumas, culture, family dynamic, and work life all impact your sexual self. And vice versa.
For many people, that’s a mind blow! A lot of clients come to coaching expecting that their challenges around sexuality could only come from a sexual source. That’s not at all true. For adoptees, it’s important to know that any form of trauma or any struggle related to your sense of self or identity can rear its head in the bedroom.
Why might an adoptee struggle with sex and sexuality in adulthood? Truthfully, there are so many reasons that can explain these types of difficulties. It would be impossible to go into each in a blog post. Generally, if mental health and self-worth are suffering, you’re not likely to be having enjoyable and connected sex.
If you’re relating to much of this blog post so far, but struggling to identify the roots of your own challenges, you may relate to some or many of the following. These are some of the most common reasons why people who were adopted can struggle with sex and intimate relationships:
Traumatic adoptions:
All types of adoptions can feel traumatic even when families have done their best to minimize harm. Ones that might feel especially traumatic could be ones where a child’s birth parents died, one of both parents willingly abandoned their child, the child was separated from siblings, or an adoptee was taken from one culture but raised in a completely different one. Because trauma resurfaces in many areas of our life—including sexuality—it’s common for this type of emotional scar to affect intimate relationships.
Adoptees who are regularly asked about their adoption story can find invasive questions to be re-traumatizing. Living in this state where someone is constantly having to face—and explain—their story adds a layer of stress. Stress can create depression which affects libido.
Insecure or anxious attachment:
Your background and upbringing influence the partner(s) you choose. Because of past wounds, some adoptees notice patterns where they’re available to the wrong kinds of partners and ones who aren’t likely to be respectful. This being easily available is called anxious attachment and can lead to unhealthy relationships, including sexual ones.
Many adoptees feel hurt or rejected by their birth parents and birth families. This original feeling of being rejected leads many to be unable or unwilling to connect with others on an intimate level (this is known as having an avoidant attachment style). The adoptee might feel fearful of being abandoned in the future, or they believe themselves to be unlovable. These are common concerns voiced by those who have been adopted.
People who have an anxious or insecure attachment style often struggle to assert boundaries. Or, they suffer with self-esteem issues which prevent them from knowing what their boundaries in regards to sex and relationships may be. If a person is not able to communicate needs, limits, and respect, the sex they end up having could be a type that is unhealthy, unfulfilling, or even damaging.
Racism and discrimination:
Those who were adopted from one part of the world but live in a place very different from where they were born are often on the receiving end of racism, colorism, bias, being fetishized, being othered, or feeling unseen. When someone is made to feel that they do not belong—or are attacked for who they are—they are likely to end up feeling less than, ashamed, suffer from depression, or develop a low self-esteem. These struggles can easily result in things like avoidant attachment, body image issues, performance anxiety, or feeling less than in romantic or sexual relationships.
Oftentimes, BIPOC adoptees are on the receiving end of insensitive questions surrounding their role in their own families. Those whose adoptive parents, extended family, siblings, children, and/or partner have different ethnic backgrounds from their own, may feel as though they constantly have to explain or justify their place in the family. When someone feels as though they always have to defend their place in their own family, it’s highly likely that that will have a negative impact on self-worth and self-image. As a result, close relationships suffer or they may struggle with feeling lonely within their relationships.
BIPOC adoptees living in families and societies that are primarily white often voice feeling othered and not seeing themselves reflected or celebrated in society. That can just reiterate ideas around not belonging, feeling unlovable, or feeling left behind yet again. Those who relate to this point might ask themselves how they are supposed to feel expressive, loved, connected, or communicative in the bedroom when they can’t even feel that way during low-stakes activities on a daily basis.
A lot of adoptees come to coaching sessions voicing an internalized racism that has happened largely because of the environment they were adopted into. This can influence many factors from how a person communicates with others, stands up for themselves, how they choose a partner, set boundaries, or which roles they embody in their romantic and sexual encounters.
Societal standards and messaging may not represent or serve someone who has been adopted—particularly from another part of the world. When you have to constantly deselect or unlearn so much of what you’ve been fed, you’re living in a constant state of stress. Stress and poor mental health are both known to have a significant and negative impact on sexuality.
Identity challenges:
Challenges related to self-love, shame (shame of being adopted, for example), or feeling inherently unlovable (due to the adoption), all lead to depression, poor self-image, anxiety, or other mood disorders. If a person is not feeling secure with themselves, it’s usually difficult to be vulnerable, aroused, expressive, or all of the above.
Sometimes those who were adopted into different families feel that their story isn’t complete, or a part of themselves (identity, culture, family tree, history) has been erased. This can lead to depression, which again has a negative influence on libido.
Even those welcomed into supportive, loving families, might struggle to accept the adoption. They may have lingering feelings of rejection, fear of abandonment, or feeling unwanted. If an adopted person feels that they were abandoned when they were so young, they have an additional trauma that if gone unprocessed, can lead to serious intimacy challenges.
Generally, because of the extra layers of trauma, repairing of personal identity, and challenges related to belonging, adoptees are more susceptible to mental health and mood challenges compared to the general population. Sex can become something to avoid or even an unhealthy outlet for stress or anxiety.
A lot of us can have the (very off base) expectation that sex will always come easily and effortlessly. We absorb messaging around sex being passionate and in-the-moment. Many of us also think that desire should be spontaneous and need zero work or self-reflection. The reality is completely different. Even though we might not realize it, our sexual selves are impacted by the other areas of our lives outside of the bedroom. That includes past trauma, identity challenges, issues around self-worth, negative impacts from society, mental health issues, and our personal belief systems.
Understanding the challenges adoptees face in their sexual lives is crucial for one’s own healing journey. Personal history and context have a major influence in how we show up in our relationships. Things like traumatic adoption experiences or questioning around identity and belonging significantly impact an adoptee’s sexual self-esteem and in turn, their intimate relationships.
Addressing these concerns takes time, healing, emotional work, and self-awareness to properly process the trauma. At Healing Exchange, we help facilitate this process. We understand—and have experience with—the trauma and damage that can be inflicted upon a person adopted into a new family. If you’re struggling to make sense of your experience and the way that it has impacted your life, consider our Intimacy Coaching for Adoptees program.
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